It would probably go something like this:
First 3 months:
If you’re hungry, cry. If you pooped your diaper, cry. If you’re uncomfortable, cry. If you have to fart, cry. If you’re bored, cry. If you’re tired, cry. If you’re ass rash hurts, cry. If you’re mad because you can’t do anything, cry. If you stab yourself in the eye with your own finger because you have no control over your hands, cry. Puke on your parents.
3 to 6 months:
Start eating mushy baby food, but only fruit because everything else is gross. If your parents try to feed you anything other than fruit, spit it out. Demand attention by screaming at people. Drool on stuff.
6 to 9 months:
Start crawling. Keep drooling. Reach your arms up to tell them you want them to pick you up, but don’t be all cuddly-make them take you to where you want to go. They are here to do what you want them to do. You are in charge.
9 months to one year:
Get into things you are not supposed to. Cry and scream until they give you a cookie. Crawl out of your crib. The fall will hurt but it will be worth it because our parents won’t want you to fall again so they will take down your crib and leave your mattress on the floor. Now it’s party time every night in your room. Do you have to lay down on your mattress? Only till your parents go downstairs!
One year to two years:
Start walking. You’re going to fall a lot, so get tough. You’ll smack your face on the coffee table about a million times but you’ll survive. Give your mom a heart attack by crawling up the outside of the banister.
Two years to 5 years:
Be a total pain in the ass. Learn to use the potty. Be scared of the potty. Shit your pants. Pee your bed. Realize the potty is ok and wearing underwear is much more comfortable. Barge in on your mom every time she closes the bathroom door.
5 years to 10 years:
Be a good student…be responsible, don’t be a bully, do your chores and hug your parents a lot.
10 years to 16 years:
Be a total pain in the ass. Treat your parents like they’re idiots and know nothings. Roll your eyes when they tell you to do stuff.
16 years to 18 years:
Have fun, get a job, learn how to save money, get good grades and earn a scholarship-it’s the only way you can afford to go to college.
18 years to 22 years:
Go to college, stay in college, don’t get or make someone pregnant, don’t be a whore, get a degree and don’t get a credit card.
Create your happiness, find your soul mate, get married, have kids, realize your parents are geniuses after all, don’t drive like an asshole, always let your kids win at the board games, get some pets…but not too many because once you get them you can’t get rid of them until they die (because you have kids now, and that would break their heart even though they don’t take care of the little bastards), stay in shape-it’s much easier to stay in shape than to get back into shape (or so I’ve heard), don’t eat crap, just because you’ve been friends with someone forever doesn’t mean you have to stay friends if they are sucking the life out of you, don’t contribute to drama, be the kind of person you want to be, RELAX, enjoy the moment-especially little ones.