If life came with instructions

 

It would probably go something like this:

First 3 months: 

If you’re hungry, cry.  If you pooped your diaper, cry.  If you’re uncomfortable, cry.  If you have to fart, cry.  If you’re bored, cry.  If you’re tired, cry.  If you’re ass rash hurts, cry.  If you’re mad because you can’t do anything, cry.  If you stab yourself in the eye with your own finger because you have no control over your hands, cry.  Puke on your parents.

 

3 to 6 months:

Start eating mushy baby food, but only fruit because everything else is gross.  If your parents try to feed you anything other than fruit, spit it out.  Demand attention by screaming at people.  Drool on stuff.

 

6 to 9 months:

Start crawling.  Keep drooling.   Reach your arms up to tell them you want them to pick you up, but don’t be all cuddly-make them take you to where you want to go.  They are here to do what you want them to do.  You are in charge.

 

 

9 months to one year:

Get into things you are not supposed to.  Cry and scream until they give you a cookie.  Crawl out of your crib.  The fall will hurt but it will be worth it because our parents won’t want you to fall again so they will take down your crib and leave your mattress on the floor.  Now it’s party time every night in your room.  Do you have to lay down on your mattress?  Only till your parents go downstairs! 

 

One year to two years:

Start walking.  You’re going to fall a lot, so get tough.  You’ll smack your face on the coffee table about a million times but you’ll survive. Give your mom a heart attack by crawling up the outside of the banister.

 

Two years to 5 years:

Be a total pain in the ass.  Learn to use the potty.  Be scared of the potty.  Shit your pants.  Pee your bed.  Realize the potty is ok and wearing underwear is much more comfortable.  Barge in on your mom every time she closes the bathroom door.

 

5 years to 10 years:

Be a good student…be responsible, don’t be a bully, do your chores and hug your parents a lot.

 

10 years to 16 years:

Be a total pain in the ass.  Treat your parents like they’re idiots and know nothings.  Roll your eyes when they tell you to do stuff.

 

16 years to 18 years:

Have fun, get a job, learn how to save money, get good grades and earn a scholarship-it’s the only way you can afford to go to college. 

 

18 years to 22 years:

Go to college, stay in college, don’t get or make someone pregnant, don’t be a whore, get a degree and don’t get a credit card.

 

22 years+:

Create your happiness, find your soul mate, get married, have kids, realize your parents are geniuses after all, don’t drive like an asshole, always let your kids win at the board games, get some pets…but not too many because once you get them you can’t get rid of them until they die (because you have kids now, and that would break their heart even though they don’t take care of the little bastards), stay in shape-it’s much easier to stay in shape than to get back into shape (or so I’ve heard), don’t eat crap, just because you’ve been friends with someone forever doesn’t mean you have to stay friends if they are sucking the life out of you, don’t contribute to drama, be the kind of person you want to be, RELAX, enjoy the moment-especially little ones.

 

 

Maybe I am a Momma Bear.

Have you seen this commercial yet?  Well…before we even knew the bear would turn into the mom, Dennis said-ha!  That’s YOU! 

You’re a fucking comedian, honey. 

Well, you know what?  He’s kinda right...but don’t tell him that.  And maybe that mom in the commercial needed a new bed…but maybe there’s more to blame.  Maybe it’s because when she gets out of bed her day is like this:

 

So, yea…until my day looks like this:

 

You’ll deal with me just like I deal with you.

How to increase your blog traffic

Starting a blog is easy, BUT even if you have tons of great things to say, people need to find your blog, read it and realize its awesomeness or else nobody will know your little corner of the blogiverse even exists.

It's a good idea to always:

1.    Write often.  Write quality posts.  Spend a day proofreading, grammer and spell checking, editing and tweeking a post before you throw it out there.  Cross promote the shit out of your shit. (within your own realistic time frame of availability)

2.    Be confident.  Your blog is one of thousands in the blogiverse.  There will be many blogs you think are better than yours, and so what if they are?… that doesn’t mean yours doesn’t have a place in this world.  Most of those blogs you envy have been around for at least a year.  They’ve gotten great by figuring things out along the way.  Give yourself a break.  And keep writing!  You’re only going to get better.

3.    Always remember it’s not you, it’s them.  People can be judgmental assholes.  If you let it bother you…even for a second, they win.  Don’t give them that kind of power.  You're writing this blog for reasons beyond pleasing others...if someone tries to bring you down, remind yourself why you became a blogger and move on.

Cross promoting yourself is a huge booster for your readership.  A lot of people love to read blogs.  A lot of those people are bloggers themselves.  I subscribe to 20+ blogs.  Some blogs are my favs and I read every post… and if I have time I get to most of the other ones.  I give a genuine, thoughtful comment on every post I read.  Commenting on other blogs gets your name swirling around the blogiverse.  I also like to sign my comment with –Adrienn/This Uncomplicated Journey.  That way, they connect me and my comment with my blog.  The more people see your name, the greater the chances they might follow you over to your own blog to see what you’re writing about.  If they love something you write…maybe they’ll toss your name around, or share your post with someone, or ask you to guest blog on their blog…you just never know.  Successful bloggers are generous people…they love to share and be shared.  This is why you want to be sure everything you write is your best quality…you want people to stumble on your genius, not your average.

Following other blogs gives me an idea of what other successful blogs are doing.  Are they posting more or less than me?  Are they posting on the weekends?  What Blogs are they reading? (sometimes bloggers will list a blogroll on their blog)  Are they on Facebook?  Twitter?  Pinterest?

Social media is invaluable to a new blogger. 

First and foremost…share every blog post you write on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest. (if you have accounts with all of those) Social media websites are a great way to give your blog immediate exposure.

You will spend more time in the first few months building your blog than you will in the months that follow, so hang in there.  If you’re on Facebook, create a page for your blog.  Encourage your personal friends to “like” your blog’s page.  Ask them to share your page with people they know.  In the top right corner of Facebook next to the word “Home” is a little icon that looks like a gear.  If you click on that, you can choose to use Facebook as yourself or as your page.  Click to be your page and in the search bar, find another blog’s page that you like.  From their timeline you can see what pages THEY like.  “Like” a few that you think you’ll like.  Interact with them.  Post things on your own timeline.  Make connections by sharing and commenting.  Don’t ask them to share you…only ask your personal friends to do that.  If other pages like you, they will share you.  Don’t be pushy, be patient.  Successful blogs don’t happen overnight.  The key to social media is exposure.  Get your (blog) name out there.  Constantly.  The more often people see it, the more often people will share you and the less work it will be for you to promote, but you have to keep giving quality stuff that people will like, relate to and find shareable.

Twitter is also very helpful.  Quality is super key to Twitter because you only have a sentence or two to grab someone’s attention.  You can follow the same sort of plan here that you can do on Facebook…find someone you like and see who they follow.  Comment on people’s comments.  If you like something they tweeted, “star” it or “retweet” it.  People love to know that you liked what they said.

Pinterest is a great way to connect also.  There are lots of tutorials out there on how to add a Pin It button to your blog post pictures.  Check them out and add it to your blog.  It can be tricky, especially if you’re html challenged, but you can do it.  In order to pin posts to pinterest, you need to have a picture in your post.  Take your own pictures, and alter them on a free photo editing site like PicMonkey.  A lot of blogs will grab images from Google Images or other places on the web, but this could get you into trouble.  Bloggers have been sued for using pictures off the web, so play it safe and use your own…unless you can afford a lawsuit.  I’ve had pinterest contact me regarding an image I pinned on my boards that they removed due to copyright laws…I wasn’t in trouble, but it was a little scary…and I’m sure Pinterest has to be such a huge grey area in this matter.  Images have been pinned and repinned and again and again and so on.  If a picture is on my blog, everyone knows I’m the one who put it there and I don’t want to get myself in trouble for using someone else’s art-so I don’t use any pics on my blog that I didn’t take myself.

As far as social media goes, know this…people will love you, people will hate you.  People will follow you, then unfollow you.  If you’re going to throw yourself out into the internet world you have to be tough.  So what if you lose people.  Who cares?  You can’t be liked by everyone.  Don’t dwell on the “leavers”, focus on the “stayers” and keep giving them what you give them because that’s why they stay.  Don’t bother them with a pissy status update about how you lost a fan…they don’t care, they’re still here.  The fan you’re pissed at for leaving is gone…they’ll never read your status.  Move on and get over it.  Unless you did something major that pissed a massive amount of your fans off and you need to apologize for something, ignore the few number fluctuation that happens to everyone on a daily basis.  You’re not perfect, you’re not the best in the world…just be the best YOU.

Link up to linky parties:

If you don’t know about link parties, you need to know about them.  Lots of blogs will host a link party.  They invite other blogs to link up a post with their post, which basically gives readers a nice pool of blog posts to check out all in one place.  What this means to you is more exposure and potential traffic to your blog.  Finding good link parties is easy if you follow blogs because chances are they link up with a party every now and then so you can too.  Here are the link parties I link up with on a regular basis…if I find more along my journey, and I have time to, I will link up with them too.  If you decide to join a link party, be sure you read the rules.  Every party has some rules.  The host might want you to display a button on your post that links your readers back to the party, or you might need to mention you’re part of a party or that you wrote a post according to a writing prompt…sometimes the host asks that you promote the party by giving a shout out on Twitter or Facebook.  Whether they ask you to or not, take some time to check out a couple other posts in the party…afterall, that’s what you hope to gain from the link up, so give some love back.  And always, ALWAYS leave a nice, thoughtful comment.

Mondays-every Monday you can link up with Monday Listicles hosted by Stasha at The Good Life.  Stasha provides you with a writing prompt to list ten things-last week was “list ten acronyms you use on a regular basis”…this week it was “list ten things you love that cost nothing”…you get the idea.

Also for Mondays, you can link a post to Twitter using hashtag #Mondayblogs, but be sure you return the love by reading and retweeting a link from someone else. (read the post so you know what you’re retweeting-don’t just retweet someone who retweeted you, they might be a douchebag and you might hate their stuff and you don’t want your followers to think you’re into that sort of thing)

Tuesdays-every other Tuesday you can link up an honest post with Honest Mom

Wednesdays-the first Wednesday of every month you can link up with Finding the Funny.  This is a HUGE huge link party for funny blogs.  You can link up as many posts as you want…this is a great link party to get into if you write a funny blog.  It’s hosted by ten really great bloggers-all of which are HILARIOUS and worth subscribing too: (I subscribe to them all)

Anna @ My Life and Kids

Kelley @ Kelley’s Break Room

Robyn @ Hollow Tree Ventures

Kerry @ HouseTalkN

Julie @ I Like Beer and Babies

Keesha @ Mom’s New Stage

Meredith @ The Mom of the Year

Anna @ Random Handprints

Ellen and Erin @ Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Toulouse @ Toulouse and Tonic

There are easily 300 posts linked up to this party, so try to get linked up as early as you can on the first Wednesday of every month.  You can find a link to the party on any of these ten funny-ass-funny blogs.  If you have no time to link up to any other link party, make time for this one.

Wednesdays are also the day for the Hump Day Hook Up at A Mother Life http://www.amotherlife.com/…this one is easy because you link up an old post that you wrote a while ago.  This is not for your most recent post.

Thursdays-MamaKat’s writing workshop at mamakatslosinit.com.  You can sign up to get her weekly writing prompts emailed right to you.  Write a post from a prompt and link it back to Mama Kat.

Fridays-on Twitter you can share your favorites by promoting them through hashtag #FF which stands for “Follow Friday”.  You’re basically suggesting people to follow the people you enjoy following.

Cross posting/blog resource websites:

The following websites are great resources for new bloggers and seasoned bloggers.  They are a “must check out” in my book.

The SITS Girls: Social Media, Photography, andBlog Tips for Women –get on the “featured blogger” list and follow the rules to be eligible for a featured day on this blog.  SUPER great exposure, and a chance to meet other bloggers.

Bloggy Moms-you can sign up and post blog posts right on their site to gain more exposure and get more traffic to your blog.  Too many resources to list here, so go browse around the site and set up a profile.

Blogher-Awesome resource site where you can also sign up and post blog posts right to the site.  Again-more exposure.  This is a great site, and highly recommended by many successful bloggers.

Writing prompts:

Even great, successful bloggers have writer’s block.  If you need some help getting inspired, check out these writing prompts:

Blogher-NaPloBoMo (which stands for National Blog Posting Month) Every month you can link up your blog and write a daily post per the writing prompts given-every day has a different prompt.  It’s a great challenge and provides awesome exposure to your blog.  You might even get featured, which would be a HUGE boost for your blog’s traffic.

Mama Kat’sWriting Workshop-As I stated above, you can sign up to receive a weekly list of prompts to get you writing.  Link your prompted post up every Thursday.

Advertising made easy:

Let’s face it.  We love to write.  We love our blog.  But chances are we like the thought of it making a little money for us in addition to the free therapy it’s providing.  There are many ways to monetize your blog.

For a quick and easy start, check out Amazon Associates to advertise items on your blog’s sidebar.  If someone clicks on a link, then buys something, you get commission from the sale. It probably won’t pay off immediately, but someday you might write a post that goes viral and you’ll wish you had some advertising in place before hand.  As with anything, make sure you fully understand what you’re signing up for and read the fine print.

This is a lot to take in, I know.  So, do yourself a favor.  Get a notebook for all your bloggy junk so it’s all in one spot.  Write down ideas you have, lists of blogs you like, a weekly outline of what’s available for you to be involved in on a daily basis (link parties, etc) passwords to different sites and your blogging goals.  This is an important step in building your blog.  Set reasonable, realistic goals for your blogself.  Maybe it’s increasing your followers on Twitter or Facebook…maybe you want to write a post everyday day for 2 weeks, or maybe for a month…whatever your goals are, be sure they’re realistic.

Most importantly, don’t put too much pressure on yourself to do too much.  It’s not easy to balance social media and writing.  Remember why you started your blog in the first place.  Was it because you love to write and want to be a freelance writer?  This is why I started mine.  So while all this social media and linking and connecting with other bloggers is important and a lot of fun, it’s not the MOST IMPORTANT thing.  If I don’t have good material for people to read, then my efforts to get exposure mean nothing.  For me, writing comes first…and if I have time for everything else I fit it in.  Base your blogging priorities on your blogging goals.

I’m a stay at home mom with two big kids who are in school all day.  I have time to do all the things I’ve listed in this post to promote and gain exposure to my blog.  If I had to work, things would be very different.  If my kids were younger things would be very different.  You have to find the balance between social media and writing your blog.  No one can tell you exactly what you should do…Be realistic and figure out what will work best for you.  You’ve made it this far already, don’t stop now!

If calling my dog an ass was effective I would be a dog training rock star.

 

It was my daughter’s first “friend” birthday party.  She invited 12 girls.

We still had my Boxer, Miss Bailey.  She was a pain in the ass, but we loved her.

She was obnoxious with company, jumping and licking excessively.  After about 20 minutes of chilling out she would remember we had company and greet them all over again like they just arrived.  Jump, jump, jump. Lick, licky, lick.  It was annoying.

We wanted to avoid wrestling her off the parents as they dropped their kids off for the party so we decided to (figuratively) “lock” her in our bedroom.  As Dennis shut the door, she jumped on it-apparently hit the button on the knob-and literally locked herself in.

She was jumping and scratching the door while barking like a fool.

Parents kept arriving to drop off their kids.  On my face I was saying “Oh, thanks for coming!  That silly dog…she locked herself in my bedroom-haha*smiles*” In my brain I was saying things that should never be repeated.

Dennis frantically tried to unlock the bedroom door that had no key while the dog continued to jump and scratch the other side of the door.

He eventually got it open with minimal cussing-I’m sure no worse than what the kids had heard at their own homes.  She spent the afternoon being annoying.  Kids had fun.

If calling my dog an ass, yelling NO! and letting her drag me around while she gags herself at the end of a leash was effective, I would be a dog training rock star.

Party planner-success.  Dog trainer-fail.

 

 

 

 

You probably shouldn't run when you're drunk.

 

Remember my first apartment?  You can read about it here.

So by the time this night I’m about to speak of played out the building’s foundation had already began to sink.  The sliding glass doors in the kitchen were still hanging on to the track, but barely.  Dennis just bought a screen door because the landlord wouldn’t provide us with one.  Apparently, much like the delivery of local news, the asshats I had to call neighbors ruined our chances of getting one put on.  I can’t tell you how many times Dennis told me we would be taking that screen door with us when we moved out, … “even if we don’t have a sliding glass door in the next place!”  Blah blah yada…that’ll show ‘em honey…

Dennis and I were ready for an evening out, but separately.  Close friends were getting married and it was bachelor/bachelorette party night.  The guys arrived in a limo to pick Dennis up.  They were well on their way to drunk.  One of them even passed out on the way to our apartment.  Everybody came in, walked through the apartment and out the back door for some chatty, smoker drinking on the hill. (Our apartment backed up to a big hill-half way up the hill was some parking-then at the top of the hill was a dirt road and Michigan) 

Well, well, well…look who woke up in the limo and stumbled his way into my apartment.  He would from this day forward be called “Fuckin Freddie” because of what happened next.  (well, his name isn’t Freddie, but it might rhyme with Freddie)

#1-he was wasted.  #2-he wanted to join the party on the hill.  #3-he didn’t see the screen door.

He ran from the living room, into the kitchen, through the screen door and face-planted onto the patio.  He laid there holding his beer on top of Dennis’ mangled screen door while we all laughed so hard we almost peed ourselves.  Except Dennis.  He was so pissed.  And at all of us for thinking it was so goddam funny, which made it funnier and him madder.  Whew…I just busted my gut remembering this whole thing playing out.

He still doesn’t see the humor in it.  It was hilarious Dude.  Lighten up.  And it was 17 years ago.

So they left.  And I drove myself to the bachelorette party.  Later I drove myself home (apparently) and passed out on my couch.  My drunken slumber was interrupted by my ring tone.  I was still wearing my coat.  It was drunk Dennis.  Seems he and Jack (Daniels) turned into Jackhole and the guys left him at a gas station.

Want to know some more reasons why Dennis shouldn’t drink too much Jack?  Click here.

How living with a toddler is nothing like owning a puppy

 

Toddlers need to chew on things, so give them appropriate things to chew on or they will eat the T.V. remote.

Toddlers will pee on the floor because they are distracted easily and may forget to tell you they need to pee until it’s too late.  Take them to the potty at regular intervals so they get the hang of going when they need to go.

Toddlers will eat dog food.

If you want your toddler to be less rambunctious, take her for a walk or to the park to burn off some energy.

Toddlers will jump all over people they like.

Toddlers love to run in the house.

Toddlers will listen to you if you give them treats.

If you have something that looks yummy, a toddler will beg you for some, or take it right off your plate, even though you’ve told them not to do those things before.

If your toddler is a runner, consider buying a kid-leash for her to wear when you go out in public…for the sake of your sanity.

If left alone with a bag of candy, a toddler will eat it all.

Toddlers like to sleep on the floor.

Toddlers will leave slobber-prints on windows and doors.

If you need a quiet five minutes to make a phone call your toddler will be yappy and obnoxious.

Toddlers can be drooly.

Toddlers like to play outside but if left unattended they might dig up your flowers or roll in something smelly.

Your toddler might chew on the dining room chairs. 

Toddlers will eat any little piece of anything they find on the floor.

Your toddler may bite and scratch you.

 

Toddlers like to play fetch.

Your toddler will think it’s fine to eat out of the garbage can.

If you have cats, birds or any other critters in the yard, toddlers will want to chase them.

At the end of a busy day your toddler will fall asleep in a cuddly pile on your lap.

Ten things I love that cost nothing….

Let’s take a moment, shall we?...and make note of a few things that I love that cost nothing.

1.      When I see some asshat blow by me on the highway going 100 miles per hour, then 10 seconds later I watch them get pulled over and can see them cussing and turning red with anger.

2.      When my cat actually decides to cover her own shit instead of leave it perched up on top of the litter like a damn trophy to admire.

3.      When my kid remembers to flush the toilet.

4.      When all my laundry and dishes are caught up…this has never actually happened, I just imagine this would make me really happy.

5.      When my dog doesn’t pee all over the kitchen when Dennis gets home from work.

6.      When I remember it’s time to make my Monday Listicles before 6pm on Monday…again, I’m imagining this will make me happy one day.  Not today.

7.      Reading hilarious blogs like HouseTalkN, I like beer and babies, Hollow Tree Ventures and My life and kids.

8.      When Dennis and I make strangers uncomfortable with our sarcastic banter.

9.      #Spikedpunch Twitter parties on Sunday nights at 9pm with my bloggity bitches.  You should join us this Sunday!  BYOB…You don’t have to drink, but it’s encouraged.

10.   People who read my blog.  They’re awesome.  But not the same way my kids are awesome.

Dear Metabolism, thanks for nothing. And a fat ass.

Getting older sucks in many ways, but probably the most annoying part is the fatness.  And it seems to happen overnight.  I can’t really blame it on the baby weight since the baby is 10 and the momma is fatter than when the baby was in the belly.  I do blame the metabolism.  No…I don’t blame the crap shit that I eat…I used to eat crap shit and weigh nothing.  Now…eat crap shit=fatness.  There is a constant fight going on inside my head-eat less? Or exercise? Or both?  Hahahah bwhahaha, whew…that was an ab workout right there.  But seriously, let’s be serious.  I don’t really want to do either of those things.  Yet every spring when I dig out the capris and pack away all the long fat-hiding sweater cardigans I think, “Aw shit. Yea…I forgot I was gonna get in shape over the winter…and damn, muffin top? WTF…did you grow or something?”  My mom was right.  Life really isn’t fair.  And sometimes it’s an asshole. 

I spent my teenage years working at McDonalds eating garbage and drinking milkshakes on a daily basis.  I was 115 pounds.  I could eat anything and do anything.  Ride my bike for 10 miles?  No problem. Jog a few miles?  Ok.  Sounds like fun.

In my early twenties I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. We bought rollerblades and took night rides on those suckers all over the city. Well…until somebody threw Pine Sol in a friend’s face from a car window…Anyhoo… The important thing to remember here is my body was like a machine.  I started teaching aerobics and taught about 30 classes a week.  Ok…well maybe 10.  But TEN classes! Yikes.  I mean…Rock On!

Somewhere between those rocking twenties and my baby-making years my metabolism was all…”Ummm….yea, so I’m slowing down now because I’m an asshole like that.”  Suddenly a cheeseburger and fries DID go straight to my thighs…and me and shorts weren’t so chummy anymore.

While I was pregnant with baby #1 I still exercised as much as I could.  I still taught aerobics and some “yoga” (I say “yoga” because I didn’t really know what I was doing, but I was a good faker and my classes were usually pretty full.)  Since I was so active throughout the pregnancy I did bounce back pretty quickly.

Pregnancy with baby #2 was a pisser.  The first 4 months I was puking and fighting a sinus infection.  I had a month of “comfort” before she wedged her head between my pelvic bones and stayed there the rest of the term.  I felt like I’d been repeatedly punched in the taco.  Daily.  All day.  Just walking around my house hurt.  My exercise routine consisted of chasing my toddler while lugging around my beach ball gut.  That alone wore me out.

After baby #2 was born I discovered something happened between point A (hottie status) and point B (mommy blob body).  All the macaroni and cheese and hotdog bits I ate off #1’s plate must’ve given my ass an ass.  And now that raising two monsters has sucked the life out of any patience I once had, exercise is like torture.  TORTURE.  I hate it. HATE IT.  Not to mention I have no energy for the shit…and when I DO do something, I ache and hurt like an eighty-year-old.  Even after a little raking and gardening I feel whole body aches like I’ve got the flu.  Then I spend a day and a half whining about it.  All I want to do is eat chips and oreos and drink wine…with all these so-called “advances in technology” you’d think somebody would’ve created some kinda fat burning wine by now…or throw a tape worm in there…maybe some norovirus?   I need some help.  No, really.  Like mental kind.

My blog has changed me.

Blogging has changed me. 

Before I started writing for my blog I didn't really know what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I’m 37…so I don’t have a lot of time to figure it out. 

Last fall I went through a little slump where I started feeling lost.  Some might call it a mid-life crisis, I call it a normal valley in the roller coaster of life.  I felt like maybe I needed to do more with my life and get a real job.  And getting a real job meant going back to school and if I was going back to school I better get my ass in there quick because time is tick tick ticking.

So I went.  Three classes in one semester taught me a few things. First of all, Western Philosophy is a mind fuck brain twister-my brain was actually injured while earning an A in this class.  I still don’t like History very much.  There is no way my family could function if I had a real job 40 hours a week.  And most importantly-after taking a literature class I remembered how much I love to write.  The positive feedback from my professors over papers I had to write made me remember I’m not too bad at writing either.

After pouring myself into articles and websites looking for advice on how to become a freelance writer I found a common staple…start with a blog.  Write and post often.  Then when a job interests you, your blog can serve as a sort of “portfolio” for prospective employers to reference, learn about your writing style, see how many people enjoy reading what you write…etc.  It made perfect sense to me.

I started writing immediately.  Once I had a handful of posts written I started a blog on Blogger which was super easy to do.  I remember those first few posts.  I was nervous.  I felt like I just threw out some pieces of me into the atmosphere and they were just floating around waiting for someone to find it interesting enough to take a peek.

Then, all the sudden one of my posts got over 300 views in one afternoon.  I felt a little light headed, and my lips went numb.  At that moment I knew I was doing the right thing with my life.  The post was about how I forgot to get cash for my daughter’s tooth so I stole a dollar from her piggy bank and swapped it out for the tooth.  I knew I struck a chord with people and also realized I wasn't the only one who did shit like this.

Blogging has changed me.  I don’t feel ashamed of my poor housekeeping skills,  messy house and unruly kids anymore.  I used to be MORTIFIED if someone saw my couch full of laundry...now I don't care.  Writing my blog and reading other blogs lets me know my kids aren't crazy, they’re normal and I’m normal.  The things I say about parenting are things everyone else is feeling, but they just don’t say it out loud.  Parenting sucks sometimes.  But it’s worth it.  I love my kids and I’m so lucky to have a great husband who makes enough money to allow me to bounce through life raising kids, tending to my wanna-be vegetable garden, taking care of my chickens and ducks, crocheting/knitting, pretending to learn how to play my guitar, going back to school then not going back to school, and now writing.

Blogging has changed me because I know people relate to me.  I’m more comfortable in social situations because I know I’m not alone.  Before I started writing my blog I didn’t know so many people felt the way I feel.  Now people are always telling me about a post they loved, or how they laughed so hard or that I took the words right out of their mouth.  Sometimes it’s just a smile from across the room that says “Yea.  I read your post this morning…”  I like that.  Blogging makes me a happier me.  I like that too.

Lessons in Laundry

It’s no secret to anyone…especially now that I blog and have allowed the whole world to see my couch full of clean laundry…I hate laundry.  I hate everything about it.  Sorting it.  Loading it into the washer.  Pulling it out of the washer to load it into the dryer.  Hauling it out of the dryer and piling it on the couch.  I’m exhausted just thinking about it.  Now that the kids are getting older they help with the laundry.  They know how to start the washer.  They can fold it (kind of-which is good enough for me!) and deliver it to whoever’s room it belongs to.  It’s a load off. *ha ha…load off…get it? You know, load of laundry??..sadly this is amuses me.  It helps. Tremendously.  But I still have to be way more involved than I want to be.  It takes time to teach all the lessons of doing laundry.  It is not just about making sure a red sock doesn’t fall into the white load.  Here are some of the laundry lessons my kids will learn as I fully pass the torch.  Oh my…I just got a little light headed thinking about my kids doing all the laundry someday.  Like winning the lottery.  Sometimes I am SO GLAD we went ahead and had kids. 

#1 Sort the dirty laundry.  You’ve got your whites, lights and darks.  After a few washes, the lights and darks release all the extra dye they have and you’ll be able to throw all that shit in together. 

#2 Some shit needs to be line dried. 

#3 Some shit needs to be dry cleaned.  We don’t buy those.  If we do by mistake, or someone gives us something as a gift we throw it in the wash…cross our fingers and hope for the best.

#4  When you use tape, and somehow a piece gets stuck to your clothes and makes it into the wash it will curl itself up sticky side out, hide in your dad’s underwear and lodge itself into the crack of his ass which makes him crabby…so if you see tape, peal it off.

#5 A fluorescent yellow shirt will turn a white load into a white load with a hint of fluorescent yellow.

#6 Glitter is not only the herpes of crafts, but the herpes of laundry too.  Under no circumstance do we put a glitter-caked shirt in the washer with any of dad’s clothes.  If this happens, well…at least you had good intensions and let’s be honest…it’s like herpes…no matter how hard you try to avoid it, a rouge glitter flake will always make its way to dad’s eyebrow.

#7 If a tube of chapstick gets into the dryer it will melt and distribute itself evenly throughout the entire load and all the clothes will need to be re-washed.  Then you will have to wipe out the dryer.  If a piece of gum makes its way through, it should just stick to the side of the dryer drum and get hairy enough to not be an issue anymore.

#8 If your dad asks you to wash his jeans two days ago and you realize you forgot to and he’s in the shower and will be expecting his clean jeans to be ready for him to put on, grab them quick and put them in the dryer.  On high.  They’ll be like clean.

#9 Folding underwear is a waste of time.  So is folding sheets.  And washcloths.  And socks.

#10 You can leave a load of wet clothes in the washer approximately 28 ½  hours before they start to smell and you have to rewash them again.

And lastly, check all pockets. If you find any money give it to me.

If you think this is funny, share it!  And thanks for reading. And sharing.